Marriage: Communication Is Key

When you hear someone say things like “Communication is a key to a happy marriage,” perhaps you roll your eyes and think something like that is obvious to everyone. It certainly seems like it should be; however, sometimes it’s easy to say such phrases, but difficult to remember to live by them. With today’s technology, one could say that there is more communication than ever between people. Between texting, social media and other various technological forms of communication, it’s true that “communicating” is now as easy as the click of a button. However, is quantity really better than quality? It may be more convenient to simply send someone a text message versus calling them, but what happens to a relationship when the main form of communication used requires no effort and yields such little information? One can’t tell what someone’s mood is just by reading a Facebook message or looking at a text. It’s true that one can use grammar and punctuation to get a point across, but it’s also true that one can easily hide their true feelings by carefully wording a message. Compared to a face-to-face conversation where two people can look each other in the eyes and know from each other’s expressions what they’re thinking, technological communication can conceal a lot.

In a marriage, communication really is a key element in creating and maintaining a good relationship. Although there are many forms of communication nowadays, face-to-face conversations are still the best method to intimately communicate what one wants to say. Rather than texting or emailing your partner a question and getting a response immediately, maybe it would be better to wait and discuss it in person. It has been said that 58 percent of communication is through body language and 35 percent is through one’s vocal pitch, tone, and emphasis, while only 7 percent is through the actual content of the message. Messaging one another about what to pick up at the grocery store is one thing, but one should be careful not to let technology become something that takes away the intimacy of verbal communication. Discussing sensitive subjects via text message in order to avoid revealing vulnerable emotions, or in order to protect oneself from hearing someone else’s distress won’t work when you live with said person and have vowed to spend the rest of your life with them.

Having face-to-face conversations with each other is a start, but that isn’t enough. You have to consider how you speak with your spouse; what kind of language do you use? What tone of voice do you use when you’re angry? Do you become unreasonable when you have arguments and refuse to listen to your spouse’s side of the argument? How you handle conflict is the key to whether or not that conflict will bring you closer together or if it will escalate unnecessarily. If a marriage is already falling apart, using hurtful or negative language when speaking to your spouse will only hurt matters. It’s important to think before you speak. For example, instead of saying “You never do this,” or “You always do that,” try to use less negative, universal statements. Instead you could say “Lately you’ve been doing this,” or “You forgot to do that again.” Saying un-redemptive things to your spouse will only hinder you in the path to having a healthy marriage.

Couples also communicate poorly when they decide they “don’t want to fight” and avoid important issues instead working on and solving the problems and letting them go. It’s important at times like this to remember to focus on resolving the actual issue and not attacking the person creating the issue. You may feel like screaming and shouting, but that never solves anything. Isn’t it better to maturely seek out a way to resolve the issue? Although some people would argue that couples having fights is normal and not a big deal, it’s important for couples to do their best to resolve fights and not let hurt feelings get in the way of a happy marriage. Some might argue that communication problems don’t matter compared to things like infidelity and abuse. It’s true that these are very serious issues that can tear couples apart, but it’s also true that poor communication can do the very same thing, although not necessarily as quickly. However, coupled with something major like infidelity or abuse, poor communication can deteriorate a marriage faster than many might think.

Remember that no matter how bad things may look, it’s never impossible to work on communication issues. If the issue is a lack of face-to-face time, then plan date nights. Take time out of your busy schedule and make time to share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Save the list of things you were going to text to your partner, and share them with him or her when you get home instead. If the issue is that you always seem to throw the same universal phrases (you always, you never, etc.) in your partner’s face, take a moment before you speak to really consider what you’re going to say. Consider your tone of voice as well, and how your significant other will respond to what you say and how you say it. Is it worth getting in a fight, or would you rather explain the issue calmly? If you have a tendency to avoid issues and let them boil under the surface, think twice. One day, all of those unspoken arguments will come bursting out, and it won’t be pretty. Do your best to calmly and fairly say what’s on your mind, without blowing up and letting it turn into a fight. If your marriage is in trouble, resolving these communication issues might just help to save it. Even when coupled with a major factor like infidelity, if a couple is able to calmly listen and maturely discuss their feelings and opinions, it could mean the difference between divorce and sharing the rest of their lives together.

Essay submitted for the Charles R. Ullman & Associates Scholarship, 2013. www.divorcelawnc.com.

References:

Gerry Heisler, Ph.D. (2011) Relationships Today: To Text or Not to Text, Is It a Curse or Blessing? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/relationship-boot-camp/201104/relationships-today-text-or-not-text-is-it-curse-or-blessing

Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. (2013) Communication Success: The #1 Predictor of Divorce and How to Prevent It http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201303/the-1-predictor-divorce-and-how-prevent-it

Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. (2012) Communication Success: How Successful Couples Resolve Conflits http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201212/how-successful-couples-resolve-conflicts

Kim Schneiderman, LCSW (2013) The Novel Perspective: The Trouble with Texting http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-novel-perspective/201301/the-trouble-texting